2016 Day one. I am in deep need of strength for the journey before me and in truth a part of me want's to crawl into a warm cave and just spend 2016 hidden from the world, surrounded by books and dogs. Happiness just might be possible if one could simply spend life with books and dogs. But God has more in store than a hermitage despite how appealing a hermitage might be. Speaking of this, I can truly understand why people are driven to retreat from life into monasteries or desert abodes and spend their days in prayer and reflection.

    I am troubled this morning, troubled for people whom God has brought into my life, people who are hurting, people who need help, people whose needs are so often overwhelming to me, needs that I simply cannot meet no matter how much I might yearn to do so. I am also troubled by the fact that I often feel so alone in trying to meet the needs of the suffering. Lord why do You bring all this into my life and then give me only prayers and desire and maybe a few dollars to try an meet an ocean of need? Why not lay this on someone like Donald Trump, or Mr. Facebook owner? Some days I almost feel like I slap folks in the face with my meager prayers and my fistful of crumpled dollars and I feel like some bedraggled beggar pleading for enough money to buy a cup of coffee on a cold day from strangers who really prefer not to be reminded of the need. I know in my heart that these thoughts are not true, yet oft times they plaque me still.

    I find myself often disappointed in my lack of ability to inspire passion and care. I feel like I spend a great deal of my time trying to inspire and yet feeling like a fingernail scrapping across a chalkboard, folks really just want that to stop, they really don't want to hear it. They tire of my constant blather,, enough already, put it to rest and say no more. After all, you cannot change the reality of what is so why beat yourself bloody trying to? My heart cries out to God, "Lord, am I making any difference at all ?"  Again, I know these thoughts are not truthful, nor are they helpful, but still I am often troubled by them.

   Last night I was deeply discouraged and retreated into my room to sit and read and to pray. I opened up my little book of Psalms and began to read. "Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God." My problem is now defined. I have placed my trust and my hope in people. I am trying to inspire an army of people to defeat the problem. God doesn't often work like the world works. Numbers mean nothing at all to Him, He doesn't need armies. It doesn't matter if you are only one, or two, or a handful, if God places a burden on your heart then you run with it and you keep running and it doesn't matter who joins in. It is God who has called you to run and He will bring about His purpose. 

   Years ago I prayed a somewhat dangerous prayer....."Lord, break my heart with the things that break Yours." He has been faithful to answer it. There are days when I really do not want to care. Caring hurts. I have enough hurt with my own dear ones to last a lifetime, why take on more? Why shoulder the burden of another's cares? Why not take care of your own and forget the suffering of others, why not try on apathy and indifference?  Now in reflection I ask myself, do I really desire apathy, do I really want to be able to see the things I see, know the things I know and not be bothered by it? Do I really want to just live my life with my problems and the problems of those closest to me and not worry nor think about the suffering of others? 

   I can answer that with a resounding NO! I would rather be dead than to have a heart different than the one He gave me. He gave me empathy. He gave me a heart that soaks up suffering like some kind of super sponge. Over time it becomes saturated, unable to take in any more and it's times like that I need to remember to squeeze it all out and fill it back up with His promises, His love, His endurance, His grace, His mercy and then run right back out there and do it all over again. Again and again and again for as long as He gives me breath and life.

   I keep going back to the image of a large bucket in need of filling, and I equipped with what seems to be an eyedropper and a limited amount of water. As I transfer my drops, from the tiny cup I hold into the bucket it is easy to become discouraged. The bucket is huge, the water I have been given is limited and even if I expend every last drop of my cup into the bucket the bucket still looks empty. So why bother? Bother because it matters, one act of kindness even if it does not fully meet the need will touch the heart of the one in need. Sometimes that is all that is needed is for people to know somebody cares. Bother because before you started the bucket was empty, and now it has a little water in it. Bother because the God you serve once took a handful of fish and fed a crowd of thousands. Bother because He has asked you to transfer your meager water into someone else's giant bucket.

   The world cries out Apathy! Indifference! Take care of yourself and to hell with the world! You cannot make a difference so why bother?  Why get upset over things you cannot change? These are lies. There is nothing worse than apathy and indifference, selfishness kills and everyone has the power to make a difference. Your cup, my cup and the cup of a hundred more can fill that bucket.

   Our example is Christ, the Redeemer, the Suffering Servant, The Merciful One, His life is filled with examples of how we ought live.

   So I set out now, on this road called 2016 with my cup that overflows, and my eyedropper, with purpose in my step, with my eyes lifted to the One who holds all things together and I pray, I pray a prayer for 2016, for every soul upon this planet.

May we live with eyes wide open,

May God break our hearts with the things that break His,

May we unclench our hands and let some of the water He has given flow out to others,

May we live out mercy,

May we live out peace,

May we be inspired to know with certainty that we can in fact make a difference,

May we trust in Him and not in the things of this world,

May we speak gospel,

May we remember that we serve the One who took a handful of fish and fed thousands,

May we not grow weary in doing good,

May we cease struggling for happiness and instead embrace joy,

May apathy be erased from our hearts,

May indifference die,

May we constantly immerse ourselves in His word,

May we remember His promises,

May we follow His instructions,

May we be people who love in word and in deed.

   I wish you and yours a 2016 filled with His presence, inspired by His promises and joyful in the expectations of His will being carried out in your life. Happiness is fleeting, joy is everlasting.

O Lord, length of days does not profit me

Except the days are passed in Thy presence,

Give me a grace that precedes, follows, guides,

sustains, sanctifies, aids every hour

   

    I reached one of those places again today Lord, You know, the ones where it just all gets too much, and it overwhelms and I just have nothing left, and no ideas, and I feel helpless and adrift, and frustrated....and sometimes angry. You know me Lord, I run around with this tiny little eyedropper, doing all I can to fill this empty world and it just seems to get emptier by the minute. There seems to be a few hundred people in the world running around with their eyedroppers too, and billions upon billions who seem oblivious and or indifferent to any need but their own.

    This unrest in my soul, where did it start? At what point did it begin? Was it the dog beaten half to death with a baseball bat? Was it the 501c that by all the evidence viewed is ripping off the vulnerable that it is supposed to be helping? Was it the kittens set on fire? Was it the soldier that just needs one damn break? Was it the homeless Marine? Was it the dog drug from behind someone' pickup truck? Was it the abused child fighting for their life? Was it the video of the helpless woman being beaten to death? Was it the latest young man being decapitated?

  I don't know for certain. I just know that I got up this morning, took my dog to the vet, heard news that I really did not want to hear, news I can do nothing at all about, and on the way home, my peace just flew right out the window. We had this conversation as I drove home, but for the benefit of the readers we will write it down here.

 Lord, I know You are with me, and I know how great Your love is for me, and for all Your children. I know You exist, there is no longer any need for it to be proven to me. I know You are righteous, You are love, You are benevolent, You are holy, You will never leave me, nor forsake me, Lord I know these things, to the very core of my soul, and yet I remain deeply troubled.

  The need troubles me, the sorrow, the pain, the suffering, it troubles me. It is You who gave me this heart I now carry, it is You who gave me empathy, it is You who taught me compassion. I am certain that I am doing what You would have me do. I know I don't always do it, and some times I try and do it on my own power and not Yours, but my heart is in it Lord, You know my heart.  You told us to love our neighbor, You told us to feed the hungry, to administer to the sick, to bless the poor and to have compassion for all the downtrodden. I know that You are good and You are mercy and I have seen great things in this life of mine, just look at me, I alone am a testimony to Your mercy, coming from what I was to what You have now made me, and I expect You have even more amazing things in store. I have seen firsthand Your redeeming power,  Your provision, Your blessing, and I have seen You change the unchangeable, right the wrong, and make beautiful things out of broken ugly vessels.

 So why do I remain so troubled? Why is my soul so discontent? You have given me all that I have, why is that not enough today, why do I long for more? Lord I want to do more, I want to change things, I want to be an instrument of change. Yet I am only a wife, a mother, an old lady who personally has more than enough to be content but who does not have much excess. I think that is why I am so discontent today. I want to make the pain stop, and I can't make it stop.

 Lord you know there is a soldier whose plight very much troubles my heart, he is a lot like my own son, he has had some hard times and some bad luck and he's seen things most young men never have to see, and his need is really not very great at all, it's not like he needs a house or an expensive surgery but even so I am unable to take care of the need. Will the tiny drop I tossed into his bucket make any kind of difference at all?

 And Lord, You made me an animal lover, You gave me an empathy with animals, a gift of understanding them, of caring about them. If You gave me that gift it must be for a purpose. So I try to help. But the need is overwhelming. It has gone way past just needing good homes for animals. We are up to saving them from things like people dragging them behind vehicles, beating them with bats, slicing them with blades, setting them on fire, starving them to death......the need is overwhelming. With every one saved you cannot help but worry for the ones you don't even know about. And again, I got nothing but a drop or two to throw into the pool. Does it even make a difference these tiny drops of mine?

  And this morning, I saw a video in my news feed, a terrible horrible video. It was a person,a woman, huddled in the corner of a room as some man beat her without mercy...with a board! She cried and twisted and tried to protect herself, and he just continued to beat her. There seemed to be blood pooled on the floor at her feet and in the background you could hear children crying. It broke my heart. I searched and tried to discover who and what this video was, as it was in a different language. All I could find is it was filmed in Brazil, and it seemed to be some kind of brutal justice for some offense, and there was no word on whether this poor woman lived or died. My heart still breaks for her. I know Your's does too, her so like the woman they brought before You, intending to stone her to death. You spoke to them, and You wrote something on the ground, and one by one they dropped their stones and walked away. Lord it is not my place to question You, I who am created, You who are Creator, but I cannot help but wonder.....were You there with her as she was being beaten? Was she rescued? I have no way of ever knowing that this side of heaven and I have no drop to place in her bucket.

 And Lord, You know I love my veterans, and most especially my Infantry guys. You also know that it's got nothing to do with the red,white and blue, nothing to do with patriotism (although I am patriotic), it's because of who they are. They are the toughest bunch of guys, they endure all kinds of hardship, they have seen such horrors and a lot of them suffer because of those horrors, and You know this weighs on my heart. Many of them are still over there, still fighting, still dieing and being wounded, and that too weighs heavy. So now we have this situation with the 501c, people who say they are dedicated to helping our veterans with PTSD. And yet now a ton of evidence comes out that seem to show the whole thing is a lie, nothing more than a sham, and that they don't care at all about the people they report to serve, in fact they use them and manipulate them for personal profit. How can such things be? And Lord, what am I supposed to do about it?  How do I expose lies and yet be gracious and forgiving and compassionate? I need some help on this one.

 And then there is the friend, she has an eyedropper too, and she is ministering to a homeless woman. And my eyedropper is empty and I have nothing to give, only prayers and love. Lord are they making a difference?

  Lord, You know I have only touched upon things, the needs are great, the hurting is intense, the sorrow is suffocating. So I run to You, for You are the only hope for all of us. Lord strengthen, Lord bring peace. Lord meet these needs in the manner of Your choosing and may I ever be an instrument of peace in Thy hand.

  Just talking with You about these things encourages me and I hear You speaking back in the scriptures, balm for my soul:

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;  in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory."  "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?"  The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.  But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.

 
So we race on towards the goal.............there is peace even when overwhelmed by it all, there is hope even when all appears lost.

 Oh, by the way, could You hand me back my eyedropper!



I meet with You and my soul sings out
As your word throws doubt far away
I sing to You and my heart cries
"Holy! Hallelujah, Father, You're near!"

My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long, I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord

I wait for You and my soul finds rest
In my selfishness, You show me grace
I worship You and my heart cries "Glory
Hallelujah, Father, You're here!"

My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord

I will wait on You
You are my refuge
I will wait on You
You are my refuge

My hope is in You, Lord, all the day long
I won't be shaken by drought or storm
My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long I won't be shaken by drought or storm

A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord, yeah
My hope is in You, Lord