I reached one of those places again today Lord, You know, the ones where it just all gets too much, and it overwhelms and I just have nothing left, and no ideas, and I feel helpless and adrift, and frustrated....and sometimes angry. You know me Lord, I run around with this tiny little eyedropper, doing all I can to fill this empty world and it just seems to get emptier by the minute. There seems to be a few hundred people in the world running around with their eyedroppers too, and billions upon billions who seem oblivious and or indifferent to any need but their own.
This unrest in my soul, where did it start? At what point did it begin? Was it the dog beaten half to death with a baseball bat? Was it the 501c that by all the evidence viewed is ripping off the vulnerable that it is supposed to be helping? Was it the kittens set on fire? Was it the soldier that just needs one damn break? Was it the homeless Marine? Was it the dog drug from behind someone' pickup truck? Was it the abused child fighting for their life? Was it the video of the helpless woman being beaten to death? Was it the latest young man being decapitated?
I don't know for certain. I just know that I got up this morning, took my dog to the vet, heard news that I really did not want to hear, news I can do nothing at all about, and on the way home, my peace just flew right out the window. We had this conversation as I drove home, but for the benefit of the readers we will write it down here.
Lord, I know You are with me, and I know how great Your love is for me, and for all Your children. I know You exist, there is no longer any need for it to be proven to me. I know You are righteous, You are love, You are benevolent, You are holy, You will never leave me, nor forsake me, Lord I know these things, to the very core of my soul, and yet I remain deeply troubled.
The need troubles me, the sorrow, the pain, the suffering, it troubles me. It is You who gave me this heart I now carry, it is You who gave me empathy, it is You who taught me compassion. I am certain that I am doing what You would have me do. I know I don't always do it, and some times I try and do it on my own power and not Yours, but my heart is in it Lord, You know my heart. You told us to love our neighbor, You told us to feed the hungry, to administer to the sick, to bless the poor and to have compassion for all the downtrodden. I know that You are good and You are mercy and I have seen great things in this life of mine, just look at me, I alone am a testimony to Your mercy, coming from what I was to what You have now made me, and I expect You have even more amazing things in store. I have seen firsthand Your redeeming power, Your provision, Your blessing, and I have seen You change the unchangeable, right the wrong, and make beautiful things out of broken ugly vessels.
So why do I remain so troubled? Why is my soul so discontent? You have given me all that I have, why is that not enough today, why do I long for more? Lord I want to do more, I want to change things, I want to be an instrument of change. Yet I am only a wife, a mother, an old lady who personally has more than enough to be content but who does not have much excess. I think that is why I am so discontent today. I want to make the pain stop, and I can't make it stop.
Lord you know there is a soldier whose plight very much troubles my heart, he is a lot like my own son, he has had some hard times and some bad luck and he's seen things most young men never have to see, and his need is really not very great at all, it's not like he needs a house or an expensive surgery but even so I am unable to take care of the need. Will the tiny drop I tossed into his bucket make any kind of difference at all?
And Lord, You made me an animal lover, You gave me an empathy with animals, a gift of understanding them, of caring about them. If You gave me that gift it must be for a purpose. So I try to help. But the need is overwhelming. It has gone way past just needing good homes for animals. We are up to saving them from things like people dragging them behind vehicles, beating them with bats, slicing them with blades, setting them on fire, starving them to death......the need is overwhelming. With every one saved you cannot help but worry for the ones you don't even know about. And again, I got nothing but a drop or two to throw into the pool. Does it even make a difference these tiny drops of mine?
And this morning, I saw a video in my news feed, a terrible horrible video. It was a person,a woman, huddled in the corner of a room as some man beat her without mercy...with a board! She cried and twisted and tried to protect herself, and he just continued to beat her. There seemed to be blood pooled on the floor at her feet and in the background you could hear children crying. It broke my heart. I searched and tried to discover who and what this video was, as it was in a different language. All I could find is it was filmed in Brazil, and it seemed to be some kind of brutal justice for some offense, and there was no word on whether this poor woman lived or died. My heart still breaks for her. I know Your's does too, her so like the woman they brought before You, intending to stone her to death. You spoke to them, and You wrote something on the ground, and one by one they dropped their stones and walked away. Lord it is not my place to question You, I who am created, You who are Creator, but I cannot help but wonder.....were You there with her as she was being beaten? Was she rescued? I have no way of ever knowing that this side of heaven and I have no drop to place in her bucket.
And Lord, You know I love my veterans, and most especially my Infantry guys. You also know that it's got nothing to do with the red,white and blue, nothing to do with patriotism (although I am patriotic), it's because of who they are. They are the toughest bunch of guys, they endure all kinds of hardship, they have seen such horrors and a lot of them suffer because of those horrors, and You know this weighs on my heart. Many of them are still over there, still fighting, still dieing and being wounded, and that too weighs heavy. So now we have this situation with the 501c, people who say they are dedicated to helping our veterans with PTSD. And yet now a ton of evidence comes out that seem to show the whole thing is a lie, nothing more than a sham, and that they don't care at all about the people they report to serve, in fact they use them and manipulate them for personal profit. How can such things be? And Lord, what am I supposed to do about it? How do I expose lies and yet be gracious and forgiving and compassionate? I need some help on this one.
And then there is the friend, she has an eyedropper too, and she is ministering to a homeless woman. And my eyedropper is empty and I have nothing to give, only prayers and love. Lord are they making a difference?
Lord, You know I have only touched upon things, the needs are great, the hurting is intense, the sorrow is suffocating. So I run to You, for You are the only hope for all of us. Lord strengthen, Lord bring peace. Lord meet these needs in the manner of Your choosing and may I ever be an instrument of peace in Thy hand.
Just talking with You about these things encourages me and I hear You speaking back in the scriptures, balm for my soul:
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Jesus replied: " 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." "Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?" The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.
So we race on towards the goal.............there is peace even when overwhelmed by it all, there is hope even when all appears lost.
Oh, by the way, could You hand me back my eyedropper!
I meet with You and my soul sings out
As your word throws doubt far away
I sing to You and my heart cries
"Holy! Hallelujah, Father, You're near!"
My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long, I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord
I wait for You and my soul finds rest
In my selfishness, You show me grace
I worship You and my heart cries "Glory
Hallelujah, Father, You're here!"
My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord
I will wait on You
You are my refuge
I will wait on You
You are my refuge
My hope is in You, Lord, all the day long
I won't be shaken by drought or storm
My hope is in You, Lord
All the day long I won't be shaken by drought or storm
A peace that passes understanding is my song
And I sing my hope is in You, Lord
My hope is in You, Lord, yeah
My hope is in You, Lord