I have decided to embark on a different approach to the New Year. I have in the past tried many approaches. I have made resolution upon resolution, and like most, I have only managed to achieve a taste of what I sought to achieve. Last year I tried a phrase, one phrase...He is enough, all is grace. And in this past year I have fallen back on that phrase time and time again. It has proven true. This past year was not our worst, nor was it our best. We struggled a lot, and in many ways are still struggling. I reckon life is a struggle and fully expect to be wrestling with something all the days of mine.
So this year I decided, after reading a book "My One Word" to choose a single word. Being a Christian, and with this being a Christian book I of course prayed about this word, and meditated on it and on myself. I sought to search myself, to look with my eyes open at all of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
In the looking I noticed something about myself, a lot of which is due to the type of person I am. I am a helper, a person that God has gifted with mercy, and because of that gift I worry and fuss over others a lot. So much in fact that I often forget to actually live myself. I find myself often in a state of waiting. I waited for my kids to get through their tough teen years, then I waited on Adam to safely graduate Army basic training, I waited on Josh to graduate high school, waited on my husband to return from working out of state, waited on Mel to get better, waited on Adam to return from Afghanistan, waited on just a little more income, waited for the deep pain of loss to pass, waited on Post Traumatic Stress to get a little easier to deal with....waited..waited....all with baited breath, sometimes with my chest all twisted up inside, sometimes without even realizing that I was waiting.
Once this concept of waiting to live was fully embedded in my brain, I began to ponder it further and to think of how often all of us forget to live in our attitude of waiting. We wait for payday, holding out breath, holding our closed wallets, we wait for the work week to end, for Friday to come, we wait on many things.
Now waiting is a part of life, there is no getting out of having to do it, but the question is this, are you fully living in the waiting? Or are you waiting to live?
For me, the answer was easy. I often put living aside to serve the needs of others, and to wait for them to be happy, to be safe, to be healthy, to get that last thing they need to be okay. Nothing wrong with serving the needs of others, that is what God has most called me to do, but He wants me to fully live while I am working.
My one word is LIVE.
In the act of waiting without fully living, we miss things. In waiting for Friday, we fully miss the young man that just needs someone to talk to for a few moments, on Thursday. In waiting, without fully living for the son to come home safe from war, we miss all the other folks drowning in their own problems, we think ours the only thing to focus upon, and we miss out on being a blessing to others and to God.
So this year I want to live. To live fully in the right now, to live it well, to count the moments, to take in the scenery, to be a shoulder to cry on, a hand to reach down and pull someone up, to feed the hungry, even if it's only one sandwich, to rescue a dog even if it is only a small contribution to that effort. To see God in everything and everyone, to see His hand in the sunrise and the sunset, to see His marvelous artistry in the flutter of a small bird at the feeder.
I want to stop holding my breath. I want to never hold my breath. No matter what is going on around me. I want to be able to shoulder the sorrow that life brings and live. I want to trust always in His promises no matter what the circumstances around me might be screaming out. I know Him, He is faithful. He has proven it time and time again. No need to hold my breath and worry. Trust Him.
I want to live. For "I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
I researched the word "live" and to be "alive" To be alive is to be animate, to be around, to be awake, to be breathing, to be cognizant, to be conscious, to be dynamic, to be existing, to be functioning, to be growing, to be knowing, to be viable, to be vital, and many other descriptions.
The antonyms of "live" are also very eye opening. To be dead, to be apathetic, to be dispirited, to be inactive, to be lethargic, to be non-existent. All of these describe places where I have been as I waited, with breath held tight, chest weighed down, for something to pass, so I could live again, breath again.
Yet in Christ none of that was necessary. His promises are true. He has promised to be with me, to bear my burdens, and to give me a life of joy in Him. it is I who chose to hold my breath.
So here's to 2015, may it be a year of life, abundant life, in Christ, lived for Christ, poured out for Christ, lived with eyes wide open, taking deep breaths of all He has to offer.