"The night is the worst time for the warrior,
Unlike most, he dreads the night, yet he will never tell you,
When he lays down his head at night, it is not a reward for his hard worked day,
He lays his head down knowing the war may revisit him,
He steels his nerves and kisses his woman good night,
Or if he is alone, he prepares for the coming storm,
When he finally falls asleep he hears the guns blazing,
He hears the screams of his brothers,
He feels the fear in his heart,
His heart pounds, his body shakes, his skin sweats,
He awakes terrified, desperately trying to find some sort of comfort,
The soldier wishes he could tell his family,
Wishes he could tell his wife,
Wishes he could tell his girlfriend,
Wishes he could tell his mother, his father, his brother, his sister,
Yet the warrior cannot,
For they will not understand his pain, they will not understand his everyday war,
The warrior brushes off his latest encounter with the war,
His prepares for his day, trying to forget,
His daily commute to work is different than your average man,
The average everyday road to him looks significantly different,
The warrior feels his tension, always assessing danger,
In crowds the warrior feels discomfort, his weapon is the only thing that brings peace to his nerves,
This feeling always brings stress to his mind, yet you may never know what the warrior feels,
You may never know what this man has done, for most warriors will never share it,
The soldier seeks his comfort with his brothers,
Those that do not have their brothers with them only pray that they could be with each other again,
The warrior almost wishes he could return to that dreadful place that made sense,
The place where everyone around him felt the same,
Yet he knows that is not possible,
The warrior knows he must continue on,
Yet the fight can seem so overwhelming,
How I can ever achieve peace, the warrior asks himself,
How can he ever let those he loves know the pain he struggles with every day,
This question eludes the warrior constantly,
He asks himself, “How much more can I endure?”
Some days the fight seems lost, some days the warrior gives in to his grief,
But in the end, the warrior always finds comfort with his brothers,
He knows he must fight on, to the objective to triumph over all,
His sense of pride bolsters his heart,
He braces himself for another day, ready to take the fight to his true enemy, his mind,
Some days the warrior finds himself at peace,
Some days he may not think of the war,
Yet the warrior always knows,
It will come back again,
During the night,
Or when he is alone,
The Invisible War drags on, unsung, unrecognized, and unappreciated by the country for which he fights, and dies for."
The above poem was posted on the page of someone I care very much about. It is attributed to "a brother".
The poem speaks of what is now called PTSD, or "Post Traumatic Syndrome Disorder". The name is relativly new, the disorder as old as time. Over a decade of war has caused a rise in this condition. PTSD is defined as "a psychological reaction that occurs after experiencing a highly stressing event (as wartime combat, physical violence, or a natural disaster) outside the range of normal human experience and that is usually characterized by depression, anxiety, flashbacks, recurrent nightmares, and avoidance of reminders of the event."
It is common now to have warriors who have deployed multiple times to war. A small percentage of Americans bear the brunt of the consequences of over a decade of fighting. According to the VA, more than 30% of the veterans treated are being treated for PTSD.
The above poem speaks from the heart. There are truths within its words, but in my opinion there are also falsehoods, not intentional ones, the writer is not trying to lie to you, the writer believes all the words of this poem. He speaks his heart.
From the perspective of someone who loves someone, who currently battles PTSD, I will attempt to speak my heart in answer to this poem.
The warrior dreads the night, he steels himself to face it, not realizing that those he loves are in their own way doing the same. The family of the warrior have a dread of the night also. Their prayers become more fervent as the light begins to fade from the sky. They may occupy themselves like other families, in watching a television show, or reading a book, but each one is thinking of their loved one, thinking of the coming night, praying for some measure of peace, praying the nightmares will not come, praying if they do come that they can be dealt with, praying that no harm will come to the one they love as he (or she) battles the demons of the night.
The warrior wishes he could share the things that torment him, with those that he loves, but he feels he cannot, he feels they cannot bear them, or that they will not understand him. Perhaps they will recoil from him, and from the horrors he has seen. Yet his loved ones are praying and hoping and living for the day when he will allow them to assist in carrying these things, when he will bare his soul to them and allow them to stand with him in this fight. They care not how black and ugly these demons are, they love their warrior, and they want only to see him(or her) come home.
For some reason, the warrior believes that it is not possible to understand, nor sympathize nor empathize with him, because those who love him were not there. The family does not understand this. A neighbors home burns to the ground, killing his children, we have never experienced this, yet we understand, we sympathize, we empathize. A terrible typhoon takes out a thousand lives, we were not there, yet we feel their pain, we imagine how horrible the suffering is, we care, we want to help. Why must war be any different? Why is there this belief that it cannot be understood at all unless one has participated in it?
There is truth that in experiencing something, you know more fully the suffering it brings, but others can know a measure of this suffering simply by doing all they can to understand it.......yet often the warrior will not allow the family to do so. Were the tables turned, were it the wife, the mother, the father, the siblings that were under full assault from an unknown enemy, the warrior would insist upon knowing this enemy, he would insist on being allowed to fight it, in fact he would most likely push aside the loved one and face it himself.....and yet he will not allow them this same comfort in fighting for that which they love.
The warrior believes it is not possible to ever return to the normal, yet this thought alone aids his enemy in defeating him, for without hope how is a battle won? If you are defeated before you arrive to the battlefield, if in your heart you know it is all over and there is no hope of victory, all you can do is go out in a blaze of "glory" and yet ultimately defeated. There is hope, there is always hope, and there are others who have achieved victory. The warrior may never be the person he was before, but he can be a fully functioning person. No one is what they once were, each day we change, sometimes drastically, sometimes bit by bit, but in the end, noone is the same at 30 as they were at 19. The warriors circumstances are much harder than normal people face, the road much steeper, but the concept is the same.
And last the warrior believes that his battle is unseen, that it is invisible, that he is alone in it and no one sees nor cares about his sacrifice and his suffering. That is not true. People do care. People do appreciate all that was done in their name, all that was lost in their name. People do want to help. If they did not how would all the hundreds upon hundreds of non-profits receive the funds they need? Where does the money come from to build a new home for a Wounded Warrior? It is not from the government, it is from the people. Wounded Warrior Project receives its funds from citizens, as does the hundreds of other non-profits that cater only to our veterans.
People do care, and together we can defeat PTSD, we can get through this, we can come out the other side whole and functioning. You were not meant to fight this fight alone, and yet you will not allow us to help you. You are a warrior, you know how to fight, you know how to win battles, you would never consider turning away help in a firefight. If under attack you would never tell all the people around you to go back to the FOB, you got this, you will fight it alone.....and yet that is how you fight this PTSD. Please let us help. Give us ways to help. If the things we are doing are not helping please tell us what we can do.Please don't shut us out.
When you shut us out, in reality you are handing us over to the enemy you fight against, it is kicking our ass, it is causing us pain, it is causing us sorrow. You would not leave a brother in this position. You would hand him a weapon and fight beside him. Allow us that same chance. We do care, we want to help, we will never stop trying to help, in the end it would be a lot easier for all of us if you would just tell us how we can help, and accept our assistance. For we too, just like you, will go down fighting. Together we can win, standing each alone we all risk defeat.
In the end, this family will fight against PTSD until either it is defeated and crushed into the ground or we are all dead. If we cannot bring our forces together, then we will fight alone as single units, not as effective, and the risk of casualties is greater, but if that be the way it must be, we stand willing to go down in a blaze of glory, hearts shattered, tears flowing, spitting in the face of this PTSD until it sucks the last of our life and breathe from us. It doesn't have to be this way, but we are committed and we are all in this fight come what may.
We will never forsake you, we will never stand down, we will never stop trying, we will never stop praying, we will fight this all the way, if you shove us aside, we will pick ourselves up off the ground and push forward. If you push aside one weapon and break it into pieces, we will pick up another. We will never stop.
You may consider walking away, as a means to protect us from all that you fight against. Should you choose that path, do so knowing full well that not a day, not a waking minute will pass that we do not agonize over you, think not for a moment that the constant prayers lifted to the heavens will cease, that we will somehow be sucked back into life and forget that you are a part of ours. That will not happen. This is perhaps the fight we fear the most, the one unseen, unknown, where we battle against something and are unable to see the results and unaware of how you fare in the fight. But whatever route you choose....we will not fade.
We will not accept defeat.
We will never stop trying.
We will never leave you.
No matter what you do.
or how you treat us.
We stand with you.
No matter what you do.
No matter how you treat us.
We spit in the face of this PTSD
We will either beat it or die in the attempt.
We are your family members.
and we will not go quietly into the night.
Written this day, with all our love, to all those family members who seek with all your hearts to bring your warriors all the way home. Take courage my friends, never give up, never surrender.
And to our warriors, we love all of you more than you know, we understand things better than you think, and we have your back, even when you think you walk alone.