A Letter To Myself

A Letter to Myself as a Child,

 Dear Me, how difficult it is for me to type the word “Dear” as I write this letter to myself, the child that was me. Just realizing that strikes me with the reality that I do not love myself well.

 I can see you in my mind’s eye, your frightful hair, your ugly dress, your thick glasses, you are barefoot and alone. Oh child you have so much in front of you, and although a lot of it is going to be awful painful, it will all be okay. Your will find what you are seeking.

 I think of you as you prepare for school, the utter dread that resides in the pit of your stomach. How you so fervently wish you could stay home, just stay home forever, and have the only contact with others be the brother you love so much and the father who protects you. He protects you here at home, but when you try to tell him of the horrors of school he instructs you to fight. You really don’t want to fight; you don’t even really want to fit in, even at your young age you seem to know that fitting in with the other kids is impossible for you, you just want to be left alone…..but if you could just stay here, with the books and the animals. You cannot do this child, you must go forth into the world, you must see yourself as God sees you, so beautiful and precious, and you must try with all your might not to hate.

 You are such an animal person; it will probably please you to know that this will remain with you for all of your days. With God’s creatures you are able to be you, to be real. You receive no judgment. Not one creature has ever muttered under its breath “my God, who dresses that child!”, nor has any creature called you “cross-eyed, ugly, frightful or any other of the horrible words you hear each day. With them you find acceptance, and love and laughter. You talk with them always; keep doing that child for not once in your life will an animal let you down.

 With that being said you do have to live in the human world. And all those people who are so mean to you, well child they are broken people, the world is filled with them, and they strike out at you from their own brokenness and shortcomings. If you can see that, and dredge up some pity and some compassion for them, well it just might help you get through the coming years. If you don’t then I can tell you now that you are destined to hate humanity. You will become so hardened, I know it’s hard to believe child but one day you will take a gruesome joy in inflicting pain on somebody. You will become one who does the hurting first, one who does not believe in any gesture of friendship or love as real, only something to grasp for a moment and then to end quickly and brutally before it can be ended on you.

 Oh child, I wish you could know the love of God as you know it now at 56. It would make your path so much more pleasant. You will be pleased to know that the hateful bitter years will not last forever. God will reach down and take that heart of stone away and return to you a heart of flesh. You will love people, you will deeply care for them and you will be an empathic soul who deeply feels the pain of others and wants only to ease it for them. You will also find love child, although you will struggle all your life with sharing your deepest emotions. I am working on that right now and not really gaining much ground. You will also always struggle with self-esteem. Even your 56 year old self feels ugly. As the world defines such things we are pretty ugly child, but God sees the heart and you have a beautiful heart. You have always had a heart for the hurting. Hold on to that, and know that when God looks down on you He sees you as beautiful. That is all that matters in the end. The world’s concept of beauty is deeply flawed. You will discover this as you go to higher grades in school. You will meet the beautiful ones, the ones whose hair is perfect and whom the boys chase after with vigor and delight and you will feel the bitter reality of that flawed beauty as these same girls, deemed perfect and amazing will hurt you deeply. Child you just have to remember that not every beautiful face is like they are. Try not to hate the beautiful ones for there are people out there who are gorgeous on the outside and the inside.

 Above all things child, know that God loves you, He calls you His beloved. He has known and loved you before the foundation of the world and in His eyes you are wonderful. He delights in you. That is all you really need child although sometimes the hurt and the yearning to have that from someone with skin on is going to consume you. Cling to God; know that He is with you always, through the darkest of times when you can see no light. Child I know He was there as I look back upon those years that are in front of you. He is faithful, He is enough. Believe in Him, hand Him your broken heart, hand Him your pain, hand Him all those things that weigh you down so.

God bless you child,

I am so sorry things were so darn tough.

But it’s gonna be okay, it’s gonna be more than okay.


With all my love and forgiveness,

Yourself at 56