Today marks for me, fifty four years upon this earth. I stand here today, grateful to God for everything, for every experience, for the good and the bad, and for the marvelous grace He has faithfully bestowed upon me, even during those times when I refused to call Him Master and King, even there, even then, He has watched over me and has preserved my life. I owe everything to Him.

One day, perhaps it is today, I will reach my final birthday upon this earth. At some point during that last year I will pass from this life to the next. I wonder how I shall feel, when I at last stand before my King. After all, I have failed Him time and time again,.........and yet He forgives me. He ever forgives me......and He loves me, He ever loves me.

 Oh for more of Him in the years to come, and less of me! To know Him more fully, to live with eyes wide open, to recognize Him in the many ways He shows Himself!

“For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.’ Then the righteous will answer him, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?’ And the King will answer them, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.’”

“For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.’ Then they also will answer, saying, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?’ Then he will answer them, saying, ‘Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.’”

 Lord how many times have I passed You by?

How many times in these 54 years have I walked past, blind to Your presence, blind to Your need, caught up in my own selfishness, my own pride….Oh Lord, how many times? I fear to know the number of them.

  So I stand here today, in Your presence and give You thanks for these 54 years, and ask You to continue to mold me, continue to change me, Lord do not leave me to myself!

Help me Lord to run the race well!

Help me to be a better wife to my husband, a better mom to my sons, a better friend to all and most of all Lord, may there be more of You in my life and less of me.

 " A life not lived for others is not really a life, living for self only is not really living, dieing to self is when you come to life."

 My Birthday Wishes for this 6/11/2014, my 54th birthday!

1.       For my children to have peace with God.

2.       For my children to be blessed of God.

 

3.       For I and my family to live our lives in a manner that is pleasing to God.

 

4.       For justice to be done in this world, but always tempered with mercy.

 

5.       For compassion to reign in the hearts of all mankind.

 

6.       That we might all love truth and speak it ever in love.

 

7.       That war would cease.

 

8.       That the eyes of the world would be opened to take in the many and boundless wonders of His grace.

 

9.       For the sick to be healed.

 

10.   For those in prison to be comforted.

 

11.   For wrong to be made right.

 

12.   For the ugly things in my heart to be eradicated forever and only the light of His grace remain.

 

13.   For my eyes and my heart to be ever open to Him.

 

 

      My heartfelt thanks to each person who has taken the time from their busy days to wish me a Happy Birthday!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 I have pondered what to post in honor of this Memorial Day and everything I have come up with has fallen short of the mark. There are too many names. Too many people with someone dear, who will not be at the table this year. If I attempt to list even the individuals who have somehow touched me personally I fear I might miss someone, I am certain I  would for over the years the list has grown larger and larger.

 Although this post is also inadequate, and falls far short of my heart, it is simply the best I can do to actually speak that which is within my heart.

 Although Memorial Day is a scared day set aside to honor our war dead, it is, at least for me, so very much more. Each name honored is more than that name, it is the mother and father, the siblings, the spouses, the children, it is the veterans who mourn and who suffer from PTSD and survivor guilt, wondering why they made it out and he didn't. In saying that it is so much more, I do not mean to say that it is for those still with us. Memorial Day is and ever will be a day set aside to honor our fallen. Words are simply inadequate at time like these, hopefully the heart of what I mean will somehow shine through.

 The loss of a life is a high cost to pay, it removes the one loved from the presence of those who loved him, but there is so much more than that. It is in many ways indescribable, you either get it, or you don't. In order to get it you have to pay attention to the small things, open your heart to the scene behind the scene.

 One of the most profound photos I have seen is simply a photo of a little boy, sitting on the beach, the waves are coming in and form the shape of a heart around him. A cute picture, anyone would see it as cute, but behind it is the story, of the young man who is the little boy's father, a young Infantryman, bright and brash with the most beautiful smile.....gone too soon.Lost in war.

 And I recall a Christmas day, when I was browsing Facebook and noticed a comment from a deployed Infantryman...it was short and sweet...and some folks might have taken it as rude and improper. It simply said "f### christmas". But the story behind that was once again a story of sacrifice and loss, of a soldier who fell on that very Christmas.

 During my own son's deployment I often posted prayers on a Facebook page I made called Honor to the Troops. A few months ago I was browsing some of the old posts and saw one of these prayers and a comment made on it. The beautiful lady who made that comment, agreeing with me in prayer for our sons, lost her son there.

 And then there is the young medic, that I corresponded with. I was tasked to write a tribute for his friend, a friend he tried to save, and yet lost. He went out of his way to communicate as best he could who his friend was. To this day the face and story of his fallen friend are engraved upon my memory as is the anguish of the friend and medic who labored so hard to save him and yet was unable to do so.

 And there is the young wife, who posted a tribute to her fallen Navy Seal husband, a powerful man, a fearsome warrior, and yet in the video you see him skipping down the street, dressed in a silly costume, holding the hands of his small son. A son who will not know his father's presence.

 I could go on and on, I could fill this page over and over again with the cost behind the cost. I am certain many of you could add yours to mine and we could continue writing until the end of time and never capture fully the terrible cost that has been paid, is being paid and will be paid tomorrow.

 Last year, on Veteran's Day, I walked into a local Wal-Mart and was handed a red poppy. I almost burst into tears. I felt the weight of it. In feeling that weight I wrote a small blog piece that comes as close as I can to describing that which I am attempting to describe here.

  The link to that post is here if you would like to read it.

http://allisgrace.posthaven.com/the-great-and-heavy-weight-of-the-poppy

  May God bless each and every one of you this Memorial Day, for those who "get it", may He grant you all peace and comfort. For those who don't may He grant you a measure of understanding.

 To the Gold Stars, a special blessing always be upon you and yours. Words are inadequate  and do not sufficiently portray the measure of love and respect I have for you. I wish with all my heart that you had been spared from having to pay the great and terrible price you paid. I hope in some small way, knowing that we honor and cherish the memory of your loved ones, and that we are attempting as best we can to understand the price paid, will give you some small comfort.

To the fallen, we shall not forget, we shall never forget, we shall speak your memory to all, we shall teach it to our children and our children's children. We shall support those you left behind, with love and mercy and grace and do all in our power to look after your brothers and sisters in arms. Go in peace.

""The brave die never, though they sleep in dust: Their courage nerves a thousand living men."

 A photo album that contains most of the fallen who have in some way touched me personally.

https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.239979516034964.67375.209368255762757&type=3

    I remember clearly the first time I flew into New Mexico. Newly married and returning from military service in England, we had decided to live in my husband’s home state. Here I was, flying in to meet a large family, of which I knew nothing and they knew nothing of me. I was nervous. Would they accept me, would I like them, would they like me? I was so terrified that first day, walking into my mother in laws home, surrounded by all these beautiful women, and me feeling like I was not what they would have chosen for my husband. That feeling of course was all me, everyone treated me well, but it was for certain a scary time for me. I had come from a small household, a very private one and now I was thrust into this enormous noisy family.

 (Albuquerque from the air)

 I was born and raised in western North Carolina, a land of green grass, tall trees and thick forests. I had just spent the last six years of my life in England, a land of even more brilliant green, with rolling green hills everywhere you looked. One had to dig into the dirt to even see a hint of brown there. Now here I was, looking out the window at tall majestic mountains and brown earth, with hardly a hint of trees except along the huge brown river flowing through Albuquerque.

(Western North Carolina, Great Smokey Mountains)

  Yet there was something about this place that spoke to my soul. It has taken many years for me to even get close to understanding why this place is home in my soul, but I am beginning to understand.

 New Mexico is a land of hidden treasure. One of the first camping trips my husband took me on upon arriving here was to Lagunitas. As we were driving there he told me of how wonderful this place was and how much I was going to love it. Inside I was skeptical, for all around me I saw open mesa, scrub brush and twisted pinion trees, and no real shade in sight for as far as I could see. We turned off the main road and began to travel across the mesa, we passed a lake that had not one place of shade, and inside I was disappointed, thinking I was facing a camping trip out in the sun and wind without shade or shelter. We began to climb and entered the canyon. Surrounded by aspen trees and at last we arrived at our destination, several small lakes, cascading down the canyon, surrounded by a forest. In the midst of open prairie and scrub brush and sun beaten brown is hidden this oasis of green.

 ( One of the Lagunita's Lakes)

 New Mexico hides its treasures. At first sight it is an unappealing land, especially to those born in greener places. But if you open your eyes, if you truly behold, you will see the deep and vibrant beauty of New Mexico.

 There are spiritual aspects to its beauty that speak to my soul. As I walk along the mesa near my home, I see the twisted bushes, the tiny flowers that bloom for a day and are dried up by the sun, the cactus plants, the owls in their brown dirt burrows, and I see God and His grace. Life for me has been similar to a dry and twisted bush. Some of it has been hard, a fight to survive, a struggle to grow, a longing for something to wet my dry thirsty soul, but looking back I see that my life was watered, with all that I needed, and that wisdom comes through trials and beauty comes from adversity. It may not be beauty as the world sees it, with a fresh unblemished face, perfect makeup and a 10+ body, that beauty is superficial,  but adversity brings beauty to the soul, if you let it, if you bend in the wind, if you grasp tight to the ground, if you reach to the heavens and cry out for water. It is not easy, many shrivel up and die, many become bitter and angry and hostile, but out of sorrow can come joy, out of struggle can come abundant life.

(Twisted Pinon Tree)

(Evening Primrose blooming on the mesa)

(Mesa near my home)

 

(Burrowing Owl)

  There are a multitude of references to the desert in the Bible.      

  Jesus went to a desert place to pray. God spoke to Moses from the burning bush in a desert land. The children of Israel wandered in a dry and thirsty land for many years before being led into the promise land. God says that he will turn the dry and dusty land into a land flowing with milk and honey.

  North Carolina is where I was born, a piece of my earthly roots shall ever remain there, but New Mexico is the home of my heart. I expect to live here all my days, and to rest my earthly remains in the brown dirt of New Mexico.

 

 I sit here, under the shade of a mighty sycamore tree, feeling small, feeling insignificant, and feeling a little helpless. I am reminded of Zacchaeus (Luke 19:4) and the children’s song we used to sing in Sunday school.

“Zacchaeus was a very little man,

and a very little man was he.

He climbed up in a sycamore tree

For the Lord he wanted to see.

And when the Savior passed that way

He looked up in the tree.

And said, 'Zacchaeus, you come down!

For I'm going to your house today!

For I'm going to your house today!'

Zacchaeus was a very little man,

But a happy man was he,

For he had seen the Lord that day

And a happy man was he;

And a very happy man was he.”

 (The tree below is called the Zacchaeus tree and is in the city of Jericho.) 

As I sit my thoughts leap about my head like bees buzzing around fresh flowers. Thinking of the things I have done that I did not wish to do, thinking of the things I should have done that I did not do, thinking of how I need to do more of this and less of that, thinking of how far I have come and yet how quickly I slip right back to where I once was.

 The world is so very noisy, our minds so cluttered, bombarded on a constant basis with the idea that if we just buy this one thing, we will be happy, if we just lose a few pounds all will be well, we listen to this song and that song and the televisions blare out their constant stream of garbage, and we have forgotten the sound of silence. I find myself longing for it and yet often unable to hear it, unable to catch those moments due to the constant clamors all about.

 So today, while feeling small, under the mighty sycamore tree, with my mind abuzz with a whole lot of meaningless regrets, wants and worries, the thought came into my head, clear as if spoken….”be still”….and I sat for a moment, just beholding the trees, my how large the leaves have grown since I last paused to look. I hear the birds singing, a bee buzzes around the flowers on a nearby bush, a yellow and black butterfly soars overhead. How majestic are Your works O Lord…..and the thoughts begin to leak back into my head, how I have failed Him time and time again….and again comes the “be still” and I sit and behold the wonders.

 I begin to pray…….and again comes the “be still”. Sometimes we just need to sit in silence and behold things.

 Even in the midst of chaos there are moments of silence, we simply need to turn off the clamor inside our heads and sit quietly and behold all that is around us.

  I got up, my break over, feeling refreshed and alive and marveling at the awesome grace of the Lord whom I serve. He is there in the little things. He is there when I fail, He is there when I triumph, His grace is sufficient, and all is His grace.

 

 I will leave you with a few quotes from one of my readings today, which spoke deeply to my soul. 

 

“You’re guilty but you’re not condemned.

Whatever you’re caught in, I make you free.

Whatever you’re accused of, I hand you keys.

Whatever you’re judged at, I give you release.”

 

“Grace isn’t a paltry thing but the most powerful thing — the very power of God — so don’t ever underestimate it:”

 

“God gives you grace and acceptance before you overcome your sin.

Because it’s His grace and acceptance that let you overcome your sin.

You don’t overcome your brokenness to have God’s love.

It’s God’s love that has you overcoming your brokenness.”

 

“Only when you go to the Cross first & hear no condemnation,

can you go to the mirror and see deep transformation.

This is the only one road to take all the way home.”

 

“Jesus doesn’t condemn you, 
Jesus is condemned for you.

Stones will be thrown, but Jesus takes them for you.

Spears will be hurled, but Jesus offers His side to shield you.

Battles will come, but Jesus will be nailed to the wall for you.

You don’t have to overcome your brokenness to have His love.

It’s His love that has you overcoming your brokenness.”

 

“This is the only one road to take all the way home.”

 (Quotes are from the blog of Ann Voskamp and can be read in context and fully at this link: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/05/how-to-handle-the-loud-critics-headlines-and-self-critic/)

Crucify Him! Oil Painting by Ivan Ilyich (1969)

O Jesus, as You stood before Pilate and gazed out at the crowd, into the hundred hearts amassed before you, all thick with fear and fury. 

Was mine among them?... 

Yes.  Mine was among them. 

I have desired your death in order to preserve my life, my way of life, my fulfillments, and my own control. 

But You, like me, desired Your death too!

By a mercy I cannot comprehend, you accepted my evil intent even to save my life! 

I am therefore no more my own, but yours---no more an enemy, but a friend to you forever.   Amen.

(Prayer adapted from the devotional book "Reliving The Passion"  by Walter Wangerin Jr, a book I highly recommend. )